


Owari no nai tabi (An endless journey)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Family, Anal Sex, Angst, Character Death, Guilt, M/M, Terminal Illnesses, Uncle/Nephew Incest, Underage Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 09:06:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14912489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Daiki had never thought he would've ever felt so uncomfortable in his own home, but lately he had had to change his mind.It had been a year since Ryosuke had come living with him, and yet that feeling had appeared only a while ago, as if there was something off, something wrong.





	Owari no nai tabi (An endless journey)

Daiki had never thought he would've ever felt so uncomfortable in his own home, but lately he had had to change his mind.

It had been a year since Ryosuke had come living with him, and yet that feeling had appeared only a while ago, as if there was something off, something wrong.

The younger hadn't really recovered from what had happened yet.

He could still hear him at night waking up after nightmares, but he was glad that at least they weren’t accompanied by tears, like it had happened in the beginning.

Ryosuke had gotten used to it, in the end.

Daiki went into his room, knocking to warn him of his presence, but without waiting a reply from him.

“Ryo.” he told him with a smile, surprised to find him awake. “Good morning.” he added then, feeling the sudden instinct to get closer and kiss his forehead. He changed his mind right away.

“Good morning.” the younger replied, slowly, propping himself up on his arms to sit up on the bed and smiling back. “Why are you up so early?” he asked, arching an eyebrow and tilting his head, to get a better look at him.

“I wanted to take care of some stuff around the house, since I don’t have to work. But I should be the one asking... it’s only half past ten, Ryo-chan. Why didn’t you try to sleep some more?”

The other winced, biting down on his lip.

“It’s not that I didn’t try. It’s just that...” he pointed at his legs. “They hurt like hell last night. And they still do a little. So it’s not like I didn’t sleep much, more like I didn’t sleep at all.” he explained, a whiney voice that made Daiki almost laugh.

Almost. It would've made him laugh, if it hadn't been for the implications of what he had just said.

He made room on his bed, sitting down and caressing his knee, instinctively.

“Want me to bring you something for the pain?” he asked, concerned, any trace of cheerfulness disappeared from his face.

“No, Dai-chan, thanks. I don’t want to overindulge, you know that.” he explained, then he shrugged. “I’ll keep the pain, it doesn’t matter. I just need to get used to it, that’s all.” he added then, trying to smile again.

Daiki wished he could’ve believed to that smile, he wished he could’ve believed it wasn’t just an attempt at reassuring him, an act to nip his compassion in the bud.

What Yamada didn’t understand, was that he had never felt pity for him.

An infinite sadness, of course, but never pity.

All he felt for him was a desire to make him feel better, and not knowing how killed him.

The only pity he felt was toward his impotence toward his nephew’s illness.

 

~

 

Ryosuke always tried not to dwell on the past too much, but there were moments of his life that, as much as he tired, he couldn’t keep out of his mind.

He remembered his mother’s death, as if his life had started there.

It was like he had been nothing before that.

He was twelve back then, old enough to understand, but apparently not for them to explain what was going on.

He saw his father crying every night in the living room, while she laid in bed, weak, abandoned.

Ryosuke was scared of the man’s pain, less of the woman’s illness, so he joined her and laid down next to her, telling her what he had done during the day, trying that way to distract her, to get her to smile.

And she laughed about his stories, often exaggerated to make them funny, then she held him tight and told him how much she loved him, and how he was the most important thing in her life.

When she passed, he was sleeping.

He had woken up in the morning, and his parents weren’t there; a neighbour was there to inform him about what had happened once he would've gotten up, and she had told him about her death with a cold voice, impersonal, and he remembered to have wanted to scream.

The next months had been terrible. The pity on his classmates and teachers’ faces, the silence at home with his father, the wish to do something to lash out his pain, but always failing because he was scared of the reactions of those around him, scared of not being understood, of being ignored.

When, less than three years later, he had started showing the symptoms of the same illness that had taken his mother away, Yamada hadn't been surprised.

Growing up, he had gathered information; his mother had always told him to take care of his health, to avoid neglecting himself, to keep an eye on the changes his body went through, and he had done just that.

When he had had the final confirmation, when his doctor had read to him the results of the analysis and had used that big and scary word, then he had understood his destiny was  set in stone, just like his mother’s had been.

It had taken Yamada a while to learn how to pronounce amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, less to realize there was very little he could do about it.

He had slowly started to remember all he had seen at twelve, the slow decaying of the body, how easy things like walking and talking became a struggle, being in bed waiting for things to change, without the hope that it was going to get better.

Ryosuke had been scared.

And then, he had gotten used to that too.

The only thing he was sure he was never going to get used to, the only thing he couldn’t explain nor justify, was what had happened a few weeks after the diagnosis.

Once day, outside the school, he had found Daiki waiting for him.

He liked his mother’s brother, very much; closer to Yamada’s age than to his sister’s, he had always been his favourite uncle, even though they didn’t see each other often.

He taught at a high school in Yokohama, while Yamada and his family lived in Hiroshima, and they only met during holidays and a few other occasions.

So that day he had been surprised. His mind had run right to his father, that something might’ve happened to him, and so he had rushed toward the elder, anxious.

_Your father’s gone._

Ryosuke had thought often about those words.

They had said the same thing about his mother, to avoid saying she was dead, to avoid telling him he was never going to see her again.

And Daiki’s words, after all, were meant to sugarcoat it as well.

They were better than ‘Your father’s abandoned you’ or ‘Your father’s washed his hands of you’.

Those words were of greater effect, but they didn’t change the way Ryosuke had felt.

He hadn't gotten used to that. He was happy with Daiki, he liked being with him and he always felt loved, to the point of being a little spoiled, but it didn’t change the state of things, and it didn’t change the fact that his father had abandoned him, using his weakness in front of the illness as an excuse, and the inability to face all over again the ordeal which only destination was going to be death. 

Ryosuke didn’t want to die, but he had gotten used to that idea too.

He looked at his body and felt revolted by what it was slowly becoming, and for what more was going to happen to it before the end.

But if it was what was destined for him, then it was pointless to keep thinking about it.

He’d rather treasure what time he had left, and find a way to go out with his head held high.

Soon, but at least as a winner.

 

~

 

Daiki looked at himself in the mirror, finding it almost hard to watch.

He felt dirty, sick.

He repeated it wasn’t right to feel that way toward Ryosuke, but he just couldn’t help it.

Since his sister had died, he had started contacting him less and less often; he didn’t like his brother-in-law, he never had, and he had never been too prone to show his face in Hiroshima, unless it was strictly necessary.

But he liked Ryo. He had been very mature for his age since he was a toddler, and that maturity had grown with his mother’s illness, with the result that at seventeen he already seemed to be a man, and Daiki had to make a serious effort to remind himself that he was just a teen-ager.

During the past few weeks, he had started to see him under a completely different light.

When he had received that phone call from his brother-in-law, when he had asked him to take care of Ryosuke because he wasn’t going to do it, he hadn't hesitated for a moment.

A sort of instinct of protection had clicked in him, as if he wanted to shield his nephew from the illness, from the pain for his father abandonment, as if he wanted to avoid him any useless pain, and so he had taken him with him without even thinking about it, strong with a paternal instinct he didn’t even know he had.

That instinct had slowly faded away lately, leaving room for something much different.

Ryo had grown up.

His features weren’t those of a kid anymore, they had lost that childishness and had become sharper, just like his body had, so much that Daiki had found himself with someone else entirely in his home, as if he didn’t know anymore the person he had seen grow up since the day of his birth.

And with Ryosuke’s changes, his way to approach him had changed as well.

He had started feeling a tightness in his chest any time he was close to him, finding himself captivated by his looks without any apparent reason, but then always thinking that he looked damn beautiful, and hating himself for that.

He kept telling himself he was his own blood, that he was a kid and that he had watched him grow up, telling how unnatural it was to feel like that toward him.

But he hadn't been able to stop, and so he had told himself that it didn’t really matter.

Yamada was sick, and whatever the reason why he stayed next to him, he just needed to keep protecting him.

Until the end, but that was a thought he didn’t like to linger on.

Later that same day, he went inside his room forcing a smile, telling him that dinner was ready.

He stood next to his bed in silence, always ready to help without him having to ask.

“I’m sorry, it takes me a little while longer each time to get up.” the boy said to him, smiling embarrassed.

Daiki waved his hand, as to say it didn’t matter.

“Don’t worry. I’ve made nabe, we still have to wait for it to cool down a little.”

He saw him nodding briefly, before putting his tongue between his teeth, focusing.

He propped himself up on his arms, sitting up and moving the blanket away from his legs.

He stared at them, waiting to manage to move them enough to get down the bed.

Daiki clouded, realizing how that movement seemed to get harder for him, and wondering how long it was going to take for him to definitely lose control of his lower limbs.

When the younger finally managed to sit with his legs dangling from the bed, he got closer to him, bringing an arm around his waist and letting him bring one around his shoulders, picking him up and holding him close.

He was always a little more of a dead weight against him, but he tried not to think about that either.

He focused instead on the heat given off by his skin over his pyjamas’ fabric, on how he felt having him so close, feeling a monster all over again and then choosing not to let those feelings matter.

Once gotten to the kitchen, Daiki helped him on a chair, letting him go only once he was sure he had a hold of it.

Then he rushed to put the bowl with the nabe in the middle of the table, sitting down next to him and signalling for him to start eating.

They dined quietly for the first few minutes, except Ryo’s compliments to his cooking; then, instead, it was the elder who spoke.

“I’ve talked to your doctor today. He says there’s nothing to worry about if your legs hurt, that it’s perfectly normal and that you’ve done the right thing refusing painkillers. He says that until you can deal with the pain without, it’s better.” he explained, his eyes low on his bowl.

Ryosuke arched an eyebrow, sarcastic.

“Yeah, I thought so. I suppose I’m going to have to keep myself strong for when the real pain is going to come, right Daiki?” he asked, then he shook his head. “Sorry. I’m just in a bad mood today.” he added then, biting his lip. “Want to watch a movie together after dinner? I’ve studied a bit today with the notes my friends brought me, and I don’t feel like going back to read.” he asked, in a clear attempt at changing the subject.

Arioka was tempted to insist, to push him to open himself up a little bit more, but in the end he caved.

He smiled and nodded, going back to eat.

“Sure, Ryo. Choose a movie and we’ll watch it in the living room.” he said, then they both kept quiet, each taken by their own thoughts.

Daiki wanted to understand what was going through the younger’s mind, but he didn’t dare to ask.

They both knew what was going to happen, and they were waiting to see their worst fears become true, but they didn’t talk about it.

Once they were done eating, the elder helped Ryo on the couch, leaving him to his DVDs’ selection to choose what to watch, while he quickly tidied the kitchen up and did the dishes.

Once he got back to the other room, his nephew handed him a disc, smiling.

Daiki read the title of a comedy he kind of liked, and smiling back to him he put the DVD into the player, then he got next to the younger on the couch, trying to sit without being of any hindrance to him.

But Ryosuke solved that for him since the first lines of the movie.

He grabbed the couch’s backrest, moving on the cushions until he was close to the elder, letting his head rest on his lap, raising his eyes only for the time necessary to give him an embarrassed smile.

On his part, Arioka was happy, but even quite nervous at that sudden closeness, at that intimate contact.

He had troubles focusing on the movie, until he gave up altogether.

He watched the younger instead, and started caressing his arm, letting it pass for a merely affectionate gesture, encircling his wrist and then brushing his hand, playing with his finger, intertwining them with his own, all the while feigning indifference, as if it was instinctive and not studied.

Ryosuke didn’t seem to find strange those attentions toward him. He was quite engrossed in the movie, and he just shifted from time to time to get more comfortable, caving easily to the elder’s caresses, holding his fingers on his automatically.

And that scared Daiki; or, at the very least, it concerned him.

He wanted to feel rejected, he wanted Ryosuke to pull away, to glare at him if needed be; holding his hand back, allowing such an apparently innocent thing, all he did was making look natural the way Daiki felt, as if it was right to feel like that toward him, as if affection had turned to love because that was how it was supposed to be.

He abruptly loosened the hold on his hand, standing up and making him lose balance, muttering some meaningless excuse while he left the room to go toward the bathroom, feeling the younger’s confused stare on him.

Closed the door behind his back he leant against the sink, breathing in deeply.

What was wrong with him?

Why couldn’t he avoid thinking about Ryosuke a certain way, why couldn’t he be indifferent to him?

And if it had been the mere physical attraction to bother him, perhaps he could’ve found an easy distraction for himself, but what scared him the most was that the same attraction, mixed with affection and for the tenderness about his condition, had turned into something so dangerously close to love that he was afraid there was nothing else he could do about it now.

Realizing that, for the first time he brushed the idea of telling him how he felt, as if it was normal.

He breathed in and evaluated the pros, maybe a little selfish of him, and the cons, which were much clearer.

How much was he willing to risk? At that awful time, when the illness was slowly devouring his body, Ryosuke had but him by his side.

Was he really willing to tell him he loved him, risking to lose his trust?

Was he willing to leave him alone because he couldn’t put to rest what he felt for him?

He sighed, again, and again he looked in the mirror.

Ryo was in the other room, without the chance to follow him, to ask him what was wrong.

He gathered all his strength, praying to get to the end of the movie unscathed, and got back to him.

 

~

 

Ryosuke, who hadn't been feeling comfortable in a while now, that night only felt the unpleasant feeling he had while being with Daiki grow.

It had been weeks since his uncle had started trying to avoid to be with him for too long at once, since he had started acting strangely, always finding excuses to avoid being close to him.

But he couldn’t quite pinpoint the specific problem that night, when Daiki had been the one who had started caressing him in such a familiar way, almost tender.

Yamada, though, could perfectly imagine what laid behind that kind of attitude.

Since he had come to live with him, he had always tried not to be a burden for him, to never ask for anything more than necessary, to make as his illness didn’t limit Daiki’s freedom.

Now, though, as much as he tried there were things for which he needed the elder’s assistance.

He wasn’t going to delude himself into thinking he was still self-sufficient; his legs didn’t want to know about answering to his commands, and to move around the house he always needed help.

He wasn’t surprised at Daiki’s shift of behaviour, not at all.

He imagined he was tired of the routine, tired of always having to be home to take care of him, tired of seeing him get worse, no rosy future in front of them.

Yamada wanted to scream, and tell him that he couldn’t wait to be out of his way, that he hadn't asked to be a burden for anybody, that if he could’ve he would've disappeared instantly, freeing him from his presence.

But he didn’t want to hear him say he was a visionary and that there was nothing wrong, with that cautious politeness one uses with the terminally ill.

Once the elder got back he heard him mutter something about feeling sick, but he didn’t pay much attention to it.

He stared for a moment at the screen, paused on the movie, with no will at all to go on with it.

“I’m tired, Daiki. I think... I think I’ll go to bed, if you don’t mind.” he said, annoyed.

“That’s fine. I’m tired too.” was the other’s reply, too quick.

Ryosuke got up on the couch, trying with all his might to stand on his own, trying to force his own legs to respond, but as predictable it was pointless.

He kept still, waiting for the elder to help him up, taking him to his room.

He wanted to cry.

Once he was lying in his bed he saw his uncle hesitate, as if he wanted to say something to him, and so he rushed to speak before him.

“I’m sorry.” he said, lowering his head in a vague attempt at bowing. “I’m sorry I’m hindering you, I’m sorry you feel obliged to take care of me. I... I don’t know what I can do to help, to make it better. I realize I’m not independent, and how much it bothers you, but all I can do is wait for it... to be over.” he said, fast, and then he didn’t have the courage to raise his eyes on Daiki again.

The elder, on his part, had kept still beside his bed, without saying a word.

After what seemed to be hours, Ryosuke felt him brush his face, and Daiki’s hand pressing for him to raise his head.

He saw his eyes watery, and even though he could imagine why he didn’t dare to say anything else.

“Ryo...” Arioka murmured, trying to keep his voice in check. “You’re an idiot.” he went on, letting go of him as if his skin was burning, brushing a hand over his face.

When he looked at him again he seemed to have calmed down a little, but still anguished but who knows what kind of thoughts.

“I didn’t want to let you believe you’re a burden for me, Ryo. And I don’t want you to, I...” he paused, swallowing. “I’m glad to have you here. I'm frustrated, and I hate myself because I can't do anything to actually help you, but I’m happy you’re here, I’m happy I can constantly check on you, because not having you here right now would drive me crazy.” he bit his lip. “It’s just that...” again he paused and again Ryosuke wondered what the issue was, what was wrong and what was going through the elder’s mind.

A few seconds later, he felt him grab his face.

He didn’t have a clear perception of what was going on; he only knew that Daiki got closer, that he felt the heat of his skin get more intense on him, and that a moment later he was kissing him.

It didn’t last long, but still enough to prevent him from pretending it hadn't happened.

And then the other ran away from the room, without a word, without an explanation.

He ran, and Ryosuke had never felt such a strong desire to run after him.

Instead he stayed abandoned on that bed, without the will to even ask himself what had just happened.

 

~

 

Daiki wished he could’ve had someone to tell him what to do.

He wished Ryosuke could’ve taken the initiative, that he would tell him he was crazy, that he was sick, that he didn’t want to be under the same roof as him anymore.

It had been a week since the night he had kissed him, and it had been all but pleasant.

They had mostly ignored each other; they kept going on with the same routine, never saying anything more than necessary, never mentioning that kiss, as if they wanted to pretend it had never happened.

And he couldn’t take it anymore, and he wished they would've talked about it, because if the thought of being in love with his own nephew was bad, this was hurting him even more.

That night, dinner went down as any other time. They both ate quietly, then Daiki brought the younger back to his room, putting him down gently on the bed, being even more careful than usual, as if that could’ve possibly make up for what he thought he had done to him.

He was about to leave, when he heard his name whispered.

Standing on the doorframe, he felt scared.

He knew the time had come, and as much as he had been waiting for it at the same time he couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen next, what would've been left of him and what he felt.

What was going to happen to Ryosuke, now that he had deprived him of the last person in the world he could trust.

“Daiki... what’s happened?” he asked, his eyes serious, frowning.

“What do you mean what’s happened?” he repeated, puzzled. “Ryo, I know that what I’m asking of you is impossible, but I wish you could pretend... well, that I didn’t do anything. It’s been out of instinct, you’ve told me you thought you were a burden for me and I wanted to show you how I feel, and that you’ll never be of hindrance to me, on the contrary... that it makes me happy to have you here with me. I’m sorry, I truly am.” he said, getting closer and kneeling next to the bed, ready to beg for forgiveness.

Ryosuke kept quiet for a few more seconds, as if he was elaborating what he was feeling.

“And what is it that you feel?” he asked then in a husk whisper, and it looked to Arioka as if he was holding his breath waiting for an answer.

“I know it’s wrong. I know it’s crazy and that just hearing will make you sick, but...” he closed his eyes, lowering his face. “I fell in love with you, Ryo. I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know why, but that’s how it is. And if now you don’t want to... well, to be here anymore I’ll understand, and I’ll find a way to make you be fine, because I don’t want to be the reason why...” he was going on, faster and faster, when he felt one of the younger’s hands on his shoulder, interrupting him.

“Daiki.” he said, the elder unable to read his tone. “Look at me.”

He did as asked, and was surprised when he saw him smiling.

“Say that again.” Yamada asked, biting his slip, letting his hand slip down his arm, caressing him slowly, a whole new feeling for Daiki.

“Ryo...” he murmured, bringing a hand to his neck, looking him straight in the eyes now. “I love you.” he said then, feeling the embarrassment and the shame, but choosing to ignore them.

Against all odds, Yamada laughed.

And laughed and laughed, never losing contact with him, holding him tight, looking back at him once he had calmed down and shaking his head.

“Why did you let me believe...” he said, but he stopped right away.

He leant over, pressing his lips against the elder’s.

Daiki didn’t need further confirmation; he met his kiss, standing up and going to sit next to him on the bed, taking his face in his hands and pulling him closer against him.

He opened his lips, searching his tongue, trying to deepen the kiss, so different from the one he had stolen a few days before, which had been too guilty and unsatisfying.

Ryosuke let him kiss him for a while before participating more actively, bringing his hands to his hips, searching for his mouth again, moaning low under his touch.

Daiki couldn’t really say how long it had been; he just knew that once they parted, he felt empty.

His mind started to fill with all the reasons why that kiss was damn wrong, just like it had been wrong to tell him how he felt, like the root of that feeling was wrong.

And yet it had seemed so natural, the most natural thing in the world to feel the younger’s lips moulding against his own, and feeling those shy hands on him, and trying himself to feel that warm, soft skin, so familiar and at the same time so new for him.

He breathed in deeply, trying to rationalize.

“We can't Ryo, you know that, right?” he murmured, very little convinced of what he had just said, dictated more by remnants of morality than for a real desire to stop.

“Why?” the younger asked, shrugging. “No one’s going to know, no one’s going to tell us anything. And anyway, I...” Ryo didn’t go on, but the elder didn’t need much imagination to understand where it was going with that. “I want it, Daiki. You’re the only one who’s been next to me, you’re the one who’s taking care of me with nothing in return, and who’s actually made me feel loved. You’ve managed to do that despite my condition and the daily challenge it takes to be here with me. So I don’t see why we shouldn’t.” he stopped again, suddenly sad. “It’s not going to last long, we both know that. I’m just asking you to leave me with this memory of my last months.”

Daiki tried to suffocate the instinct to cry, but he failed miserably.

Without worrying about the tears streaming down his face, he knelt on the bed, bringing his arms around Ryosuke’s waist, holding him as close as possible and kissing him again.

Propping himself up on his hands, the younger laid down, leaving room for Daiki to lay on top of him, more delicate than usual, careful not to make any sudden movements.

Daiki kept believing what he had done wasn’t right, even less what he was about to do, but he had to admit that Ryosuke wasn’t wrong.

They didn’t have all the time in the world, and there were things between them that were never going to come to surface, because that time was going to be over before it could become an issue.

He didn’t know whether it was selfish or it was just how it was, but he chose to follow his instinct, to give Ryosuke what they both wanted.

And the mere fact that he wanted it, was enough to let him forget what was going to happen next.

Daiki was happy, and was almost ashamed by it.

He carefully took his clothes off, leaving him naked beneath him, allowing himself a few moments to look at him, breathless at how beautiful he looked.

He undressed himself as well, he leant down and started to slowly kiss his neck, caressing his hips and going even lower, brushing his collarbones with his tongue, while the younger’s arms stayed limp along his sides, almost as if he was afraid to touch him.

He was nervous, tense, and Daiki could understand that.

He was even more cautious going lower, wanting to help him relax, trying not to give him time to think about what was happening, but just to make him feel what he was doing, to make him like it, to make him feel like the most important person on Earth, because right now that’s what he was for Daiki.

He brought his hand down the line to his groin, following the same trail with his lips, getting closer and closer to his cock, and with that getting closer he felt the tension in his muscles, the hands clenching in fists, the eyes equally closed.

It was then that he stopped touching him, raising his head on him.

“Ryo... you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, you know that, right?” he asked, sweet, kneeling between his legs and staring at him.

“I want.” he said right away, then he paused, as if he didn’t know how to explain himself. “I want you to touch me, and to kiss me and...” he blushed, heavily. “And I want you to make love to me.”

The elder listened to him carefully, and nodded.

“Thant what is it?” he asked, concerned, brushing the back of his hand on his cheek.

“I’m afraid I won't be... up to it. That I won't be enough.” he replied, blushing even harder.

Not managing to help it Arioka laughed, shaking his head.

“Ryo... you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and there’s no one else I’d rather be with  right now. You can be scared how much you want, but don’t you dare say you’re not enough, because you’re all I could even want.” he said, resolved, and without waiting further he leant back on him, bringing his hands around his hips, holding them tight and brushing his tongue over his cock.

He went slow, as much as he could; he wrapped his mouth around it, sucking softly and bringing a hand lower, brushing over his buttocks and getting closer to his opening.

It wasn’t easy. Ryo couldn’t move his legs, and Daiki wasn’t going to get any help with that.

He sighed and got back up, stretching better on top of him and pushing on a thigh, slowly opening his legs to give himself room for manoeuvre.

Then he leant back on him, kissing him one more time before getting lower again, licking along his opening, slowly pushing his tongue inside, pretending to ignore how the younger writhed beneath him for the new sensation.

He let one finger join his tongue, and here he was concerned by the feeble hiss coming from Ryo.

He stopped for a moment, giving him time to adjust and then moving it, noticing how the look on the other’s face had lost any discomfort, leaving room for low moans.

He repeated the same procedure with two fingers and then three, taking as much time as needed to make the younger absolutely ready.

He tried to move on his own, without letting those movements Ryosuke couldn’t make stand out; he grabbed his hips, pulling them up and moving against him, starting to slowly push inside of him, biting down on his lip and trying to restrain himself when he saw him roll his head back, his eyes clenched shut and a pained look on his face.

He took a deep breath, and Ryo did the same.

When he saw him relax and nodding for him to go on, he moved deeper, until he was completely inside of him.

It was a feeling he was never going to be able to describe.

Yamada’s heat wrapped around him, tight, as if it didn’t want to let him go, and his nails on his back while he tried to find and outlet for the pain...

There was no room to think about whether this was right or wrong anymore, because for what concerned him there was no reason why something that made him feel so good shouldn’t actually be the right one.

He started moving slowly inside of him, feeling him melt even more under his hands and his thrusts, starting to moan, and he relished in that voice and those groans, aware that he was the one making him feel good, that he was finally doing something, that he had managed, even just for a short while, to make him forget about everything else.

After a few minutes he brought his hand to his cock, stroking it and at the same time keeping him against himself, fighting against the inability of Ryosuke to do that on his own.

When he felt him tense under him he tried to get a better angle, reaching that spot inside of him that made him scream and thrash; and after that it was a matter of a few more thrusts before Ryosuke came, spilling over his hand and his own chest.

Daiki stopped, looking straight into his eyes and feeling overwhelmed by the variety of emotions he was feeling right now.

He looked even better than before, way more than he could’ve imagined.

When he started moving again he did so faster than before closing his eyes and focusing only on what that body made him feel; when he came he rolled his head back, letting go to a poorly suffocated scream, emptying himself inside that impossibly tight and warm body.

He collapsed on top of him, lacking any gentleness now, trying to recover quickly.

Then he pulled out and went lying next to him, raising his eyes, smiling.

Ryosuke’s face was flushed, but he willingly looked back at him, pushing against his body and letting the elder wrap an arm around him, leaning down to quickly kiss his lips.

“I love you, Dai-chan.” he murmured, hiding his face in the crook of his neck, basking in the elder’s touch on his skin.

Daiki sighed, and tried to control himself.

That was the direct consequence of the weeks spent twisting his mind about how to put a halt to his feelings, and that happiness was his goal, managing to stop thinking for those brief moments about the unknown the future held for them.

He held Ryosuke tighter against himself, inhaling his scent and letting it cradle him, together with his still heavy breathing.

All he could ask for right now, was for that feeling to never have to end.

 

~

 

Ryosuke tiredly opened his eyes.

As every morning for some time now, he wished he could close them again.

He turned to look at Daiki, which as usual was his first and only reason to smile.

He pulled himself up with his hand, without cursing his legs anymore.

It had been a while since he last been able to move them at all, and with them his pelvis had stopped responding as well.

It was frustrating, but he tried to go on as long as he had a reason to smile every morning.

He liked the feeling of waking up in that room, in that bed.

It had been going on for over a months, and he was sure he wasn’t going to grow tired of it.

He stretched an arm to reach Daiki, softly brushing his cheek and seeing him smile.

“I’m awake.” he muttered, his voice still heavy with sleep. He opened his eyes and sat up a little, joining him on his side of the bed. “Good morning.” he murmured, pressing his lips on the younger’s.

“Good morning.” Ryosuke replied, raising an arm and bringing it around his neck, deepening the kiss.

When they parted Arioka looked more awake; for sure, more cheerful.

“Want me to go and fix breakfast? Are you hungry?” he asked, attentive as usual, ready to get up.

But Yamada shook his head, signalling that he wanted him to stay there with him.

“Not much. I’d rather be here, if you want.” he asked slowly, articulating words hard, and the other nodded quickly.

Just like Daiki understood his request, Ryo understood the reason behind such a fast response.

They never spoke of the illness in a serious way, nor about its development and its worsening, but as much as they didn’t, neither of them could ignore it.

And they both tried to take advantage of every moment they had to spend together, to get high on each other’s presence, as to compensate the fact that their time had almost ran out.

It was the beginning of their goodbye, even though neither of them wanted to admit it.

Daiki pushed himself against him, resting his head on his chest and kissing it slowly, almost distractedly.

Ryosuke caressed his hair, keeping him close, wondering what was going to happen... after.

The signs were all there, and he couldn’t help but compare himself to those memories he had of his mother.

The inability to walk came first, followed by the creepy tingling right above the lower limbs, then the impossibility of formulating even the easiest sentences, as if talking was the hardest task ever.

Ryosuke saw the end nearing, and for the first time he was scared of it.

Now he had something to lose, now he felt loved, and the thought of having to leave Daiki alone, the thought that he may suffer because of him, made him feel worse every day.

Ryo wanted to live for him only, but it wasn’t in his power to do so.

He could just hold him tight and tell him he loved him, that he was going to love him forever, beginning that infinite farewell between them, the one that, when he wouldn’t have been there anymore, would've echoed through the house, and would've been burned on the elder’s mind forever.

Still holding him, Ryosuke started crying.

Daiki didn’t say anything, pretending he hadn't noticed, and Ryo felt grateful for it.

Having a reason to keep living made it so much harder to die.

 

~

 

Daiki was leaning against the wall.

He stared into space, sitting on the ground.

He wished he could’ve cried.

_“Ryo?”_

He heard the echo of steps in the hallway, but it was like all sounds came muffled to his ears, as if nothing could reach him but pain.

_“I'm calling an ambulance, Ryo. Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine.”_

He wasn’t expecting it.

He had spent months aware that it was going to happen, but he had still managed to be caught off guard.

He was sleeping, when he had heard the younger toss.

The view in front of his eyes had scared him to death.

Ryosuke tried to lean forward, as if searching for air he couldn’t find; he gasped, while his face lost all its natural colour, turning cyanotic.

_“Ryo, not now, I’m not ready, please.”_

When they had arrived at the hospital, there was nothing left to do already.

Daiki had gotten closer to the bed where the younger laid, attached to the ventilator which made a grotesque sound.

_“You’ve been trying to tell me, right, that it was going to happen? I’m sorry I haven’t listened to you, Ryo.”_

The doctor spoke to him and told him that the machine was the only thing keeping him alive now.

He had asked for instructions, and as much as he knew what the right decision was, saying it out loud was damn hard.

_“I will love you forever, Ryo.”_

He had given consent to take him off the ventilator and he had gotten out of the room, followed only by the sound of Ryosuke’s heart stopping.

It was still on his mind.

He had heard the life of the person he loved pass, and he was sure that his heart had gone away with it.

He felt nothing.

He kept thinking about each and every moment they had spent together, about every single time he had heard him say he loved him, those times they had held each other tight in bed after making love, those times when he had had to struggle with himself to carry on that unhealthy relationship, just because it made him happy.

And now all he had were torn pieces of memories, and torn pieces of his own existence.

Ryosuke was gone.

_I will love you forever..._

They goodbye had been carried through, in the end.


End file.
